15 minute limit

I have decided to conduct an experiment.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when my fingers touch the keyboard?

I suppose I ask myself who might read what I have to say? It is rarely profound, and is often pretty unpolished. I am quite generous with my word use. I ...eschew...discard...avoid...brevity. Sometimes I think too much, other times not enough. My voice betrays my mind.

Let me share a little anecdote with you all --all being the three of you who read this, two probably being my parents-- that encapsulates the way that I think about social situations that may be conventionally awkward to begin with, but with a little persistence become very pleasant experiences.

I was catching up on Grimm, a show that I only watch on weekends when I have consciously decided to do absolutely nothing. If you catch me watching this show, don't tell me I should go to the gym, don't say that I should read a book, just let me sit there, and tune out until I decide to rejoin the real world. Anyway, I decided to go bowling...by myself. Why? I don't know. Well, technically, I do know. I was in a league and my team bailed that day! Also, I paid for the league and was bored.

What was the worst that could happen, right? I mean, besides bowling alone surrounded by people who are with groups of friends. I suppose this is just another example of why I am more of an extrovert than an introvert. Going bowling, working on my spin, and possibly making friends was worth the risk, even if they were just friends for the day (still remains to be seen if this was in fact the case).

I arrive at the bowling alley, sit down, look at my phone, stand up, try and talk to a few women I have talked to before, sit back down again, go up to the lane I am supposed to bowl on, sit down, look at the other team awkwardly for a second, and say "hello."

"My team bailed on me today, mind if I join you all and bowl with you a bit?" 

Next thing I know it is 10:30pm, and I have spent the entire afternoon and evening with a new group of pretty great people, who I never would have met, if I just continued to watch Grimm.

What are the takeaways from this?... Time is up.

Searching for more. Finding little. Still satisfying.

I have always had a strong drive to be right, but I have a stronger desire to be empathic.

I admit it. When I first generate a thought, I often start from the assumption that my analysis of a scenario is correct. When someone disagrees with me, my instinct is to get defensive and offensive all at once. My heart beats faster; my mind begins racing; my thoughts get tangled. If I were to let these impulses drive my speech patterns, then I would often express crude and hyper-emotional ideas.

I know how this would end, not well. Functionally, I would be unsuccessful expressing my thoughts, and a poor listener. The outcomes would range from friends who would get slightly agitated and avoid conversations with me to friends who may not want to speak with me ever again (sorry again JH, I wish you nothing but the best.)

Where does this desire come from? Why is this my first reaction? How can I change? Can I change? Am I right?

Quick note: The questions I just wrote were unedited and were written in that order. Observation: I started with a complex question and worked my way to a simpler one. Reflection provided a bit of clarity. 

The answer to the last question will help me address the rest. No, I am never right on my own. Being right is a shared experience. This is the most important thing for me to remember. All my thoughts and ideas are based on a series of memories that have been replaced, updated, edited, spliced and redacted. The electrical current running through my brain is neither random nor predictable. My brain activity is steady, but it traverses paths and synapses that were created unconsciously. I can't just ask Google maps to give me directions to an idea, can I? Yet, when others recognize my ideas and thoughts as something that resonates within themselves, then we together may be approaching something that is both true and right.

Right is relative. Right is contextual. Right is based on the metrics that you deem most valuable. Right is temporal. Right is personal. Right is complex and uncontrollable. I am done looking for what is right. I have begun looking for more things to share.